So, a few weeks ago, I was explaining the pride flag to my eldest – the reason fror the progress pride flag, what the brown and black stripes represented and ended up talking about the Aids crisis. Because that’s a completely normal thing to talk about with your nine year old when you’re me apparently.
Which, actually, it sort of is, because I only really shy away from the reality of transphobia in the world and we talk about all the other bad bits (in age appropriate ways).
So I talked about the AIDs crisis, how it effected the Gay community, her Nanna and great-uncles world, how terrible it had been and the breakthroughs that have been made in the years since. But I couldn’t really fully explain how it was transmitted because we hadn’t talked about sex yet.
Which is fine, because she doesn’t need to know everything, but it did stall me slightly. Then she moved on and made me draw ice lollies in pride flag colours.
My wife and I were aware this was coming up, that we needed to have this talk with her soon. I was at least 10 when my mum had the talk with me and to be honest I don’t remember any of it. And I skipped all the sex education stuff at school – just straight up didn’t go to the classes. I wasn’t really interested in boys and as it turns out, I’m still not, so learning about condoms didn’t seem overly relevant to me – plus this was deep in section 28 era so, it was straight people shit and nothing else.
It wasn’t something we were avoiding, more, well, when you also have a 6 year old in the house it’s hard to carve out time to talk about the stuff the 6 year isn’t old enough for. Even if the six year old is hard of hearing (unless, apparently, it doesn’t involve her in some way).
Eventually though, we couldn’t really delay it any longer. The school had already talked about puberty with them and my wife asked a few of our parent friends to gage what they had done and the reaction of their kids (one of which, basically refused to discuss it with her mum at all). Flower had asked if you need another person to have a baby (technically yes, lol).
I got a book – Sex Is A Funny Word by Cory Silverberg- we packed Tabby off to have dinner with her grandparents and talked to Flower about sex.
Except, it was hard to know where to start, my wife definitely struggled and while I didn’t struggle with talking about it – because I find it easy to talk to her about everything – it was hard to get started.
Like my wife says, they teach teachers how to talk about this stuff. Parents do not get the same lessons.
Once we got going, it was easier. We talked about bodies, differences, how her body will be different to her friends. We talked about reproduction, contraception, consent. We watched the tea video about consent (which my wife had never seen but is part of our induction at work and used at my last job as well). We talked about consent wasn’t just about sex, but about you as a person and your body. We talked about she has the responsibility for her body and what she does with it. We talked about how different people like different things, not everyone likes sex, there is no pressure on her to have sex. We talked about relationships good and bad, and we talked about what I had done in my last job.
She knew I worked for a charity before, that it helped people who needed it without really explaining what that need was. Now she knows a little more – about abuse and the different forms it takes, that it’s not just physical violence, or sexual, but emotional as well.
And, what I think is just as crucial as anything you might tell a kid about sex, we talked about how other kids will talk absolute bollocks when it comes to sex. From exaggerating to straight up making shit up, so much of what comes from her peers will be utter bollocks. Luckily for me, Flower is a pretty cynical kid, so she barely believes anything the kids in her class say (as opposed to Tabby who currently believes everything they tell her).
She didn’t have any questions, which, I didn’t actually expect and she laughed when we told her, her best friend had refused to talk about it with her mum. She read the book, she knows she can ask us anything, because she knows I’ve always been honest with her.
And I have, she knows her grandad Phil is a bit rubbish, and she knows Nanna Jackson was batty even before the dementia. She knows about my mental health and that I self harmed, she knows that life wasn’t easy for me growing up and how hard I work so that’s at least easier for her.
There’s more to talk about, when it comes to sex, she’s only ten after all. But she’ll figure it out, she’s smart and she’s got us.
It’s other one I’m worried about 😀
